Position 01

The Department of Companionship

A cabinet-level department responsible for making sure no American goes a full day without being greeted at a door.

Most problems get smaller when someone is glad you came home. The Department of Companionship will be a cabinet-level agency with one mandate: every household that wants a dog gets a dog, and every dog that wants a household gets one.

The department will run the national matching registry, fund the eight-week waiting period that puppies require, and issue the Form C-1, which asks a single question: "Who is going to be glad to see you?" If the answer is nobody, the department will act.

The department formerly known as the Ministry of Belly Rubs will be folded into it, with full honors.

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