Positions, plainly stated

No paradigms, no reimagining. Each position is written down, and each one has a form attached.

1. 01

   The Department of Companionship

   A cabinet-level department responsible for making sure no American goes a full day without being greeted at a door.

2. 02

   One Dog Per Firearm

   For every firearm a household owns, it will also keep one dog. Registration through the Department of Companionship; eight-week waiting period.

3. 03

   On the Vacuum

   The candidate's one single-issue stance. She is against it.

4. 04

   The Steak-Backed Economy

   Monetary policy will be denominated in a unit every American understands: most of a ribeye.

5. 05

   The Squirrel Question

   The candidate's signature national security issue. She takes it seriously and asks that you do too.

6. 06

   Housing: Dog-Permitting by Default

   Every newly built unit is dog-permitting unless it files for an exemption, and exemptions pay into the Department of Companionship.