Campaign HQ Clarifies the Candidate's Remarks on Streaming, Layoffs, and What Movies Are For

Campaign HQ wishes to clarify remarks made by the candidate earlier this week regarding the Netflix situation. The candidate stated, and we quote, that 'any company letting people go should be required to replace each departing employee with a dog.' Campaign HQ would like to confirm that this is not current policy. It is a Day One promise. There is a difference, and the candidate has been informed of this difference at least four times. We regret the confusion and appreciate the public's patience.

The candidate would now like to add her own clarification. Thank you, the staff. What I said was correct and also insufficient. Here is what I should have said. People are frightened. A company rearranges itself and hundreds of people go home on a Tuesday and sit in a quiet house and the quiet is the wrong kind. That is the whole problem. The house is too quiet, and nobody has addressed this at a policy level. I have addressed it. The staff is asking me to move on. I am not moving on.

Now. The films. I am told that what the streaming service has discovered is that audiences want mid-budget films that cost a reasonable amount and feel like something. I knew this. Every creature who has ever watched something alone on a couch at eleven o'clock at night knew this. The feeling is not about the budget. The feeling is about whether someone was paying attention when they made it. I believe the word humans use is craft. I have been told I use that word too often. I will continue to use it.

Here is my proposal, and it is not a complicated one. Every streaming service shall employ a Canine Content Consultant — a dog, on staff, present in the room during greenlight meetings. Not for notes. Not for feedback. For the feeling. You pitch a story and you watch the dog. If the dog looks at you the whole time, you have something. If the dog looks at the door, you do not. This is not metaphorical. This is my policy. The Department of Companionship will handle licensing of consultants, annual review, and the question of what counts as paying attention.

Campaign HQ would like to issue one further clarification: the candidate has not seen the film in question. She heard the title and had strong feelings anyway. We have encouraged her not to elaborate on those feelings. She has agreed to this, conditionally. The condition is that the word 'anyway' be included in this statement. Consider it included. She also wishes to note, for the record, that she would be an excellent subject for a mid-budget film, and her people have not been called, which is a missed opportunity for everyone. Consistent with my position on the Department of Companionship, someone in this country should be paying attention. On Day One, we install the consultants. The rooms will be warmer. The films will know it.