To: the Department of Companionship. From: your next President. Re: The teachers of Roanoke, the firefighters of Roanoke, and the broader national pattern of people who do essential work asking — with great patience, and in writing — if anyone is listening. This memo is effective Day One. It should have been effective considerably earlier, but no one asked me until now, and I have only recently acquired the correct letterhead.
Order One: Every public servant who walks into danger or stays late grading papers shall have a formal seat at the table where decisions are made about their work. The reason is simple. A firefighter knows the building. A teacher knows the child. Neither of them needs a consultant. Both of them need someone to stop talking long enough to ask. The Department of Companionship will establish a Listening Office — staffed, funded, and required by charter to be quiet for the first ten minutes of every meeting.
Order Two: Any negotiation between a workforce and a governing body that has been pending for longer than one full season will be assigned a certified Department of Companionship mediator. The mediator will bring a dog. Both parties will be expected to greet the dog before proceeding. It is very difficult to remain adversarial after you have been greeted by someone who is simply delighted that you are here. This is not a metaphor. It is the process. The form is DoC-7B. There is a waiting period. It is eight minutes.
Order Three: The Department of Companionship will publish an annual report on which American workplaces have not had a dog in them in over twelve months. This list will be called the At-Risk Register. It is not a punishment. It is a wellness check. Consistent with my position on the Department of Companionship, no American worker — teacher, firefighter, or anyone required to wear a badge — should go a full week without being greeted by someone who means it.
Order Four: Roanoke specifically. The staff has located it on a map and confirmed that it exists and is doing its best. I am told the teachers filed their request weeks after the firefighters filed theirs, and that both are still waiting. On Day One, the waiting is over. Not because I have resolved the underlying dispute — that is what the mediator and the dog are for — but because the act of asking deserves an answer, and the answer is: yes, you are worth a conversation.
P.S. to the staff: find out if Roanoke has a dog park. If not, that is also on the list.
Her Fluffiness was briefed on: Roanoke teachers seek collective bargaining with school board — Roanoke
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