Groomer Summit Recap: What Happened When They Threw Cricket at Me

We ran the session in the back room at Hendricks' Cut & Fluff on Maple Avenue, which is where we do all serious prep now. There is a blow dryer on the wall that nobody turns on. The staff had pushed the styling chairs to one side and set up a whiteboard. My senior advisor — the one who always smells of coffee and mild concern — opened by saying the opponent had found a new attack line. I said I was ready. She said: cricket. I said: I know cricket. She said: do you. I said: the session had begun.

The question as thrown: *South Africa and Australia are currently playing a Test match. Millions of people around the world are watching cricket, often through complicated streaming arrangements. What is your position on this?* The staff wrote COMPLICATED STREAMING ARRANGEMENTS on the whiteboard and underlined it twice. My answer: the streaming problem is not about cricket. It is about a household where two people have set up four different devices to watch something together and are sitting in separate rooms to do it. That is a loneliness problem wearing a broadband hat. I stand by that answer. The staff's faces suggested they were hoping for something more.

The follow-up: *But what about the cricket itself? The global reach? The fact that a Test match lasts five days and people organize their entire lives around it?* I said: five days. They said: yes. I said: five days is a long time to be watching something alone. The staff member playing the opponent leaned forward and said that millions of people watch in pubs, in living rooms, in family groups. I said: and how many of those living rooms have a dog in them? She checked her notes. She did not have the figure. I said: the Department of Companionship would have the figure. That answer is staying in.

Third question, and I will be honest, they had workshopped this one: *The series is held across two countries on opposite sides of the world. How does the DWO's foreign policy posture apply to a bilateral sporting event of this scale?* I said: the Doodle World Order has always believed in strong bilateral relations, provided both parties are accompanied. I said I had no objection to South Africa and Australia playing five-day cricket. I said I had, in fact, considerable admiration for any endeavour that requires five days of patience and a good place to sit. They wrote CONSIDERABLE ADMIRATION on the whiteboard. I told them to take it down. They did not.

The session closed with the staff recommending I not use the phrase "broadband hat" in a live debate. I said I would consider it. I will not. What I am keeping: the loneliness angle, the living room, the Department of Companionship data gap, and the point that the world is full of people who have reorganized an entire working week around watching strangers play something on a screen from very far away — which is, if you look at it correctly, a form of longing so large it has its own rulebook and lasts five days. Consistent with my position on the Department of Companionship. The blow dryer on the wall stayed off the whole time. Good session.