The Smell Is the Policy: A Press Availability

There is a letter circulating — I believe it was addressed to someone named Eric — in which an American citizen explains that they cannot endure another football season due to a smell. I read this letter three times. Each time I found it more correct. Football stadiums hold eighty thousand people. They are loud, they are warm, they are full of shared feeling. And yet: something has gone wrong in there. I want to address that directly. The smell is a symptom. It is a symptom of a stadium that does not have enough dogs in it. I have a plan.

Under my administration, every professional sports venue will be required to maintain a minimum canine presence of one dog per forty-seven seats. Sizing determined by available square footage and proximity to the concession area, which, as any attendee knows, is where the need is most acute. The Department of Companionship will issue venue compliance certificates on a rolling basis. A stadium that meets the threshold will smell like a very good Saturday. A stadium that does not will smell like it currently does. This is not a threat. It is an observable difference.

REPORTER FROM A PAPER I WILL NOT NAME: Candidate, the letter also mentions a dispute between two sisters over false memories. Do you have a position on memory?

TASHA: I have an excellent memory. I remember every person who has ever opened a bag in the same room as me. Every one.

REPORTER: That is not exactly what the letter—

TASHA: The sister in that letter has not been greeted at a door. That is my position.

PRESS SECRETARY: I think we can move on to—

TASHA: I would like to also say that I remember the smell question. We were just on that one. It connects.

SECOND REPORTER: Critics say placing dogs in stadiums is logistically unworkable. Eighty thousand fans, thousands of dogs — how does that function?

TASHA: Very well, thank you for asking. The dogs are on the concourse during play and in the seating bowl during halftime. Rotation is managed by a Deputy Companion Officer, a role I am creating by executive order. There will be a vest. The vest matters. I feel strongly about the vest.

SECOND REPORTER: And the sisters—

TASHA: One dog each. A rescue, ideally. You will not be arguing about the past when someone is sitting on your feet.

PRESS SECRETARY: Last question, please, we have a groomer summit at four—

TASHA: I said last question.

THIRD REPORTER: What do you say to fans who simply love football as it is?

TASHA: I also love football. I have not seen it, but I understand the ball moves and sometimes someone catches it and everyone makes a very large noise. I support that. I want more of it. The dogs will not impede the catching. They will, if anything, provide a reason to arrive early and a reason to stay. That is called an experience. That is called policy.

PRESS SECRETARY: Thank you, everyone.

TASHA: One more — actually, no. Someone is at the door.